Seven Ways To Tell Donald Trump Is In Your Local Casino

With the Oompa Loompa in chief now allowed out of the country, and having survived a trip to both the Middle East and Europe without anyone trying to assassinate him, it becomes abundantly apparent we none of us are immune from a visitation by Donald Trump and that it’s only a matter of time before he arrives in your local casino, but what tell tale signs will warn you of this infestation so you can return home to the safety of Bet365? We look at seven of the easiest ways to tell

1. Smirking Russians In The Lobby Of Your Local Casino

Given he’s the best puppet since the Manchurian Candidate Donald Trump’s Russian handlers are never far away and they’ve rarely bothered to expend any energy on hiding their obvious hold over and control of the fat orange fool, so if you hove to at your local casino and find the lobby awash with swarthy looking individuals with dodgy accents and smug expressions on their faces you may wish to consider turning round and going home to bet on sports in the US somewhere safer, like Bet365.

2. Hostesses Wearing Chastity Belts

President Trump is famed for believing it is an acceptable treatment of women to just “Grab ’em by the pussy”, especially if you’re famous, and so should you find the hostess staff of your local casino are all wearing medieval chastity belts, you’ll know why. Obviously you should check first to make sure there isn’t a BDSM convention going on that you were unaware of, but in the main the sight of a cocktail waitress in serious bondage gear should definitely start the alarm bells ringing inside your head.

3. The FBI Have Staked Out The Buffet

With the Feds now investigating Donald Trump, his entire staff, his whole family and indeed anyone who has even so much as met him you can just bet that your local casino will be wall-to-wall with agents, field operatives and spies. People loitering for lengthy periods at the buffet are a easy mark especially if they keep talking into bowls of fruit. Under no circumstances should you ask if they know James Comey or if they’re alone in the US gambling laws of impeachment will actually apply to Trump.

4. The Croupier Will Keep Saying “Donald”

Now we know that Donald Trump’s advisers slip his name into every paragraph of important, sensitive and classified briefing notes to hold his attention, it will be obvious to all that should one hear the word “Donald” being repeatedly used at a nearby blackjack or craps table the chances are it’s just the croupier keeping the President’s mind on the game and you should turn around and walk away as swiftly as possible. Bet365 has all the excitement of your local casino without risk of meeting Trump.

Source: New York Post

5. Melania Will Be Digging An Escape Tunnel Nearby

The sound of excavation isn’t uncommon in our modern cities however should your local casino seem to be replete with the noises of a tunnel being constructed you might just want to check its not the first lady attempting to escape the worst husband since Henry XIII. If you see Melania trying to surreptitiously scatter dirt from her dress in the landscaped flowerbeds, or ask if there’s a wooden vaulting horse she can borrow you might just have stumbled onto her escape plan. Don’t give the game away.

6. Regular Patrons Don’t Admit Cheating

Donald Trump told the FBI to stop investigating his links with the Russians, then fired the FBI director for not stopping investigating and then announced in a TV interview that’s precisely what he did despite it being a clear and evident obstruction of justice. Yes, that’s right, he’s so stupid he admitted breaking the law and anyone that dumb is bound to constantly announce to all in your local casino when they’re cheating, have a good hand, have a bad hand or just plain need to go to the little boy’s room to weep.

7. The Wig Will Stand Out.

With his views on US gambling news to no one, he owns casinos after all, the chances of your seeing Donald Trump in your local casino are as great as anywhere else and if there’s one thing you should be able to spot well before you’re in his presence is the wig, often described as the brains of the outfit. Standing out like icing on a dog turd the President’s wig has now filed for both a divorce from Donald and political asylum in the Vatican following a personal plea made to the Pope during Trump’s visit.

Source:
Vanity Fair