Rosberg’s Trick To Remain Fresh In The Malaysian Grand Prix Could Be A Winner

With the Malaysian Grand Prix this weekend the F1 circus is battling against the heat and humidity with one driver, at least, going to some pretty bizarre lengths to stay focused 

There are moments, just very few, when no matter how outrageous I allow my jaundiced imagination to run riot, I can’t quite get as bizarre as the actual reality. I recently suggested Formula 1 could be spiced up from it’s current rather dull malaise by arming the cars, having landmines on the track and snipers in the crowd, all of which are completely ridiculous, and then Mercedes driver Nico Rosberg goes and makes my suggestions look like sensible considered opinion.

There Is No Sanitary Clause
• Mercedes set to dominate F1
• Nico Rosberg worries about sweat
• Wears panty liner on his forehead

There’s only been one race of this season but already Nico is looking at coming second in the championship again. He and his team mate Lewis Hamilton at Mercedes are both so far ahead of the rest of the pack miracles will be needed for anyone else to win a race, let alone become world champion. Sadly for Nico, however, Lewis is the better driver and seems destined to repeat his success of last season this time round.

Naturally this is very disappointing for the young German, although the degree to which he’s allowed to complain given the rest of the teams don’t even have the small chance he does, is probably equally small. The race and results in Australia left some drivers moaning, some teams bemoaning and many F1 fans with a sinking feeling of history repeating itself. Apparently this season too will stretch out ahead with two gladiators battling up front and everyone else an also ran.

The degree to which this is manifest is reflected in gambling websites running a separate book on “the best of the rest” that excludes the two Mercedes drivers, and indeed for each race sites akin to Bet365 are taking advantage of gambling laws in the UK and elsewhere to provide facility so people can bet on the first non-Mercedes finisher, etc. This is a poor reflection on a sport that used to be exciting, thrilling and a bit dangerous, but as I said, then Nico made an announcement to change all that.

Revelations Of A Sweaty Rosberg

Ahead of the Malaysian Grand Prix this weekend, at the driver’s press conference, Mr. Rosberg made an announcement that has left many stunned, and a few others wondering about the sanity of Formula 1 drivers as a whole, and indeed his in particular. It began innocently enough as a reporter asked about the conditions they have to race in. Malaysia is quite warm with temperatures at race time well above 30 degree Celsius, and the humidity well above 70% and so one might expect drivers to have a view.

What followed was truly bizarre. Nico Rosberg decided to explain how he planned to deal with the problem, not by mentioning the hard work of the team, the reliability of the car or his own driving skill, but by announcing that he wore a special piece of equipment to help him through the hot times ahead in the cramped Mercedes cockpit. The special piece of equipment concerned? A sanitary towel. Nico Rosberg, apparently slaps a panty liner on his forehead when the temperatures rise.

“I have an issue with my eye when I sweat a lot,” he told Sky Sports, “I do have a sort of headband in my helmet but it is my trick. I put a woman’s……what do you call them? The thing you put in your underwear.” Sky Sports Craig Slater’s mind came up with “tights” and he suggested as much to Nico, but the German waved this suggestion away saying; “No, inside the underwear.” To which an entirely dumbfounded Slater inquired, “A sanitary towel?”

Nico, rather than slapping Slater for his implied impugning of the driver’s manhood, smiled and nodded. “Sanitary towel. Is that what is called? Yes, I put that on my forehead in the helmet to soak up the sweat.” So the driver destined to come second in just about every race Hamilton finishes this season will, when the temperature rises on Sunday, be sat on the grid in his fire proof underwear, massively expensive car and a helmet with a panty liner wedged across his forehead to soak up the sweat.

The Sweet Sweat Of Success

“The race is one of the toughest on the calendar,” Rosberg went on to say of Malaysia, “because of the intense heat and humidity, so you have to be very fit. It is vital to stay hydrated too, because during the race I can sweat up to four litres which is massive and probably double the amount of a regular race. It will be very demanding.” He continued. ”By the end of the grand prix your concentration levels will not be as high as they were at the beginning.”

Which is entirely true, it will be very important for the drivers to remain hydrated during the race lest they lose focus, but I can’t help gambling news discussions right now in much of the paddock aren’t about the conditions, nor concerning race strategies, nor even about who’ll win the championship, no, I think most of the male dominated posh-boys driving circus is probably currently wondering if Mercedes will change his pad during pitstops.

You can picture it now, the Mercedes in its grey and black livery pulls in to the pits and slides to a halt outside the garage, the uniformed crew whirl into a balletic drill of tire changing and car refueling, and there amongst it all the most junior member of the team waits for Nico to lift his helmet so the old panty pad can be ripped from his bonce and a new, fresh, clean, sanitary towel can be spammed onto the German’s head ready for the next section of the race.

Bernie Ecclestone might be praying for rain this weekend to make the race more interesting, wet weather makes F1 more interesting because it’s more difficult and dangerous, something you might think Bernie and his buddies should try to emulate without having to rely on the weather, you know, but getting rid of some of the safety measures that have ripped the heart and soul from the sport, but the chances are he’s now just hoping the next Always Ultra advert doesn’t feature Nico Rosberg.