7 Ways To Tell The Queen Is In Your Local Casino

The British Royal family now seem to be displaying a rebellious streak. Prince Harry declared no one wants to be monarch and his granny wore an EU themed outfit to the opening of a Brexit parliament, much to the amusement of all. There is now no knowing what they might get up to next so you could well find Queen Elizabeth II popping into your local casino instantly making it the target of every terrorist in the world, but just how can you tell she’s in the building? We take a look.

1. Horse Shit In The Parking Lot

Her Majesty’s love of horses is well known (she let her eldest son marry one) and her penchant for turning up places in an open topped carriage pulled by any number of the beasts means that often the first clue you’ll get that the Queen is in your local casino is the large amount of manure in a parking lot that tends to usually accumulate wherever she goes. Should you discover the parking lot of your local casino is down on Porches but up on turds, you might want to go home and gamble at Bet365 instead.

2. Ermine In The Cloakroom

This is one of those easy giveaways that are so often overlooked. In your eagerness to scan the lobby for security goons you can easily miss the tell tale signs that Queen Elizabeth II is in your local casino to be gleaned from a glance around the cloakroom. If you see ermine robes or a crown hanging on a peg that’s the ball game, US gambling laws might not be the most liberal in the world but they don’t insist you become a target for terrorists so just turn around, head home and hit up the far safer Bet365.

3. Replacement Red Carpets

By tradition the gaming floors of your local casino will be carpeted by a lurid patterned hard wearing covering that was designed to disorientate the patrons, this is not only to lure them into more risky gambling but also to allow patches of vomit to go unnoticed for weeks before one of the cleaners realizes it’s not actually part of the pattern but the remains of the Sea Food Platter they served last Thursday. If all this has been replaced with red carpets the Queen is there and you shouldn’t be.

4. Suspicious New Staff In Your Local Casino

Typically the staff of your local casino will be an interesting and exciting cross section of America, a diverse mix of people all working together, so should you notice that many of them have been replaced with overly tall and broad men all of the same hue and who sound a little light on their loafers when they speak overly complicated English you might want to check that you couldn’t be safely at home instead, drinking and placing a bet on sports in the US from the comfort of your couch on Bet365.

5. The Corgi Connection

If you’ve eschewed the safe option of gambling at home on Bet365 you should bear in mind that the Queen is, of course, famous for owning Corgis (a short legged canine with no tail that looks like bizarre Nazi surgical experiment involving a very fat cat and a small confused dog). They’re not particularly ugly as such, but there’s is instinctively something very wrong with these creatures and if you spot one in your local casino you might want to make for the exits as Elizabeth II is sadly bound to be nearby.

6. Phil The Greek

His Royal Highness The Duke of Edinburgh has been a constant companion for Her Majesty down the years and whilst you might not instantly spot his vampire-impersonator looks in the gloom you will almost certainly hear his voice from some way off. Don’t worry if you’ve no clue what he sounds like, just start running home to Bet365 if you hear someone that sounds like an elderly British character actor from TV, only one who is making massively racist jokes of the sort even rednecks would blush at.

7. Tiara Worn Without Irony

The tiara might seem to be out of fashion at your local casino these days, however it has spawned any number of lesser variants for all occasions, the Deely Bopper merely the most famous, however should you see a diamond encrusted tiara worn without any irony whatsoever by a grumpy little old lady in your local casino just remember US gambling news headlines are unlikely to be made by this piece of headgear atop anyone else and if it does it’ll involve a casino body-count you don’t want to be part of.