7 Ways To Spot If Your Local Casino Is Nuked By North Korea

What’s the difference between Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump? No, that wasn’t the start of a joke where the punchline ends with the phrase “and the other one is Kim Jong-un”, alas, it’s a real question. They’re both fat, liars with silly hair, and right now both seem equally determined to give the world it’s first nuke-on-nuke conflict, so just how will you be able to tell if your local casino is nuked by North Korea? We take a look at the seven dead giveaways.

1. Bright Flash

The eerily silent burst of blinding white light that accompanies a nuclear detonation will probably be your first warning that your local casino has been nuked. A 1 megaton weapon is so bright can flashblind people at ranges of 13 miles, North Korea is likely to use much large devices. If you are not instantly rendered blinded by the flash, aren’t screaming with the agony of your eyeballs melting and aren’t too busy kissing your posterior goodbye, this would be an ideal time to seek some form of shelter.

2. Loud Bang

After the flash, the bang will arrive at the speed of sound. You’ll know it’s the sound of a nuclear weapon detonating as the flat, deep-dull, thump has been described as akin to “a door being slammed in hell” which is very evocative and even if your local casino turns the muzak up to maximum you’ll still be able to hear it. Do remember that US gambling laws permit casino gambling in certain locations but in few of them was a bomb shelter required so your best hope could be any sort of utility basement.

3. Blast Wave

Depending on distance from the point of detonation the blast wave will closely follow the sound of the detonation and will be easily spotted as much of your immediate surroundings will be thrown into your face, the over-pressure will crush your lungs and the heat will melt anything left over. Should you find the Blackjack tables of your local casino suddenly flying past, don’t assume it’s just Ben Affleck cheating again, it could well be a North Korean ICBM instead (and won’t that be a relief for his PR).

4. Mushroom Cloud

If in an exterior location, perhaps on your way to your local casino, or only in its parking lot, and are some distance from the point of detonation remember the size of the mushroom cloud will be a massively useful indicator of how much danger you’re in. Hold up a thumb, extend your arm and if the cloud can be entirely hidden behind the digit you’re probably far enough way to survive, if you can still see bits of the cloud poking out from around your thumb, the chances are you’re already dead I’m afraid.

5. Fall Out

Anyone in the US gambling news of a nuclear detonation is pure morbid fantasy, or merely believes it won’t happen anywhere near them, should think again. North Korea is not the only nuclear threat (Vladimir Putin is hardly Captain Sensible) and the fallout from nuclear explosions can travel a long way. After the Chernobyl disaster animals 1,000 miles away in Wales were contaminated. Should you find yourself nauseous, vomiting and losing hair in your local casino it’s possibly not the buffet but could be radiation poisoning.

6. Injury Types

The immediate aftermath of a nuclear detonation in your vicinity will be easily spotted as most people around you will be either dead, nearly dead or suffering from injuries that will eventually lead to them being dead. At Hiroshima the injuries (particularly burns) were horrific and if you spot the same on your fellow patrons the chances are your local casino has been nuked and if you’re intent on continuing to bet on sports in the US you may need to find somewhere else to enjoy your risk/reward pastime.

7. Being Dead

It is quite easy when within the confines of your local casino to become engrossed in the bets you’re making and if so distracted there is every possibility that the first indication you’ll get that the location has been hit with a North Korean nuclear weapon will be dying. Should you discover you’ve been abruptly shuffled off your mortal coil there’s a good chance that you’ve fallen victim to the inherently risky gambling of Rex Tillerson, General Mad Dog Mattis and the ever flexible Steve Bannon.