7 Changes At Your Local Casino Under President Trump

Local Casino Changes

• Signs in Russian
• Fiscal problems
• Fake gambling
• Bizarre security
• Gold on the walls

Having taken the oaf of office Donald Trump called for an end to what he termed “American Carnage” signaling a new “America First” attitude that is bound to have some knock-on effects noticeable on your next trip to your local casino. So what can you expect? And will it be enough to make you prefer to stay comfortably at home and use Bet365 instead? We look at seven things to look out for.

1. Your local casino will have TRUMP written on it

Whilst the newly elected President of the United States is well known to be unpredictable there’s a few things he repetitively does regardless of situation and first among these is putting his names on buildings that aren’t really his. Your local casino, irrespective of who actually owns and operates it, could well find itself thus labeled and if this is indeed the case under no circumstances should you point out he only puts his name in big letters on immovable objects because he keeps forgetting who he is.

2. A Lot More Gold And Gilt In The Decor

Anyone in the US gambling news of Donald Trump’s election would lead to an era of peace, prosperity and sensible interior design should probably put their analyst on danger money. With all the restraint and taste of a magpie on acid, the President will almost certainly usher in an era of gilt, gold leaf and the sort of over-the-top décor in your local casino that only a chav would think pleasant to be surrounded by. (Pro Tip – Resized horse blinkers and good sunglasses can significantly reduce glare.)

3. All Latino Staff Will Be Escorted

Donald began his campaign to be the most powerful man in the world with some choice criticisms of Mexican immigrants saying some were “bad hombres” and all the others were either “criminals” or “rapists”. This means now he’s POTUS you can expect the household, cleaning and gardening staff of your local casino to be escorted at all times by armed guards from a militia somewhere just in case they decide to carry out some sort of coup where they get health insurance and more than minimum wage.

4. All Signs Will Be In English & Russian

Those in the US gambling news reports of Donald Trump’s connections to Vladimir Putin, the Kremlin and Russia mobsters are entirely false should almost certainly get down to their local casino immediately, such misplaced optimism shouldn’t be wasted, and whilst you’re visiting your favorite pleasure palace do look out for the dual language replacement of signage of all types. Russian will soon be the official language of the United States and it’ll be as well getting a head start understanding it.

5. Hostesses Will Insist You Grab Them

All hostesses in your local casino will be forced, by federal law, possibly brought about by executive order, to wear a pin that says “GRAB MY PUSSY” and be unable to complain when anyone does. This will bring the United States into line with the Vatican and its rules on altar and choir boys, FIFA and it’s regulations about bribery and the ISIS attitude to women. It remains to be seen if foreign heads of state and other dignitaries will be allowed to grab the pussy of the first lady during their White House visits.

6. Anyone Winning Will Be Accused Of Fake Gambling

Sean Spicer, new White House Press secretary has said “Sometimes we can disagree with facts”, the White House Chief of Staff Kellyanne Conway has said there are “alternative facts” and the Donald himself has accused just about everyone in the news media of reporting “fake news” so with reality an optional extra in the US right now your local casino is likely to simply deny you won when you did, even accusing you of ‘fake gambling’. So if you like to bet on sports in the US, do it at Bet365 instead.

7. It Will Lose Money And Go Broke

Whilst we can all speculate about what the next four years will bring, one thing is certain, Donald J Trump will have a massive effect the United States and that can only spell disaster for your local casino. Donny has a history of making casinos go broke simply by being somewhere near them, just ask Atlantic City, and as President he’s now near everything. Bet365 might not be able to offer the hands-on experience of a “real casino”, but at least you can guarantee it’ll be there tomorrow.
(Unlike the US constitution. Which you can’t.)