Casino Airstrikes; 7 Ways To Tell You Were Bombed By Russia

Those of you who like to bet on sports in Russiawill already be aware that it is far safer and more secure to do your gambling online at sites like Bet365, however around the globe there are still some misguided individuals who have eschewed the convenience of the modern technological age and who still prefer the rather fraught atmosphere of a real-world casino. It is for these poor unfortunates that we hereby list the ways in which they can tell if the pleasure palace they’re gambling in has been involved in a casino airstrike by the Russian air force.

1. Your Dealer Is Wearing Fatigues

Casino Airstrike Recognition Guide

• How to tell you’ve been bombed
• Proper etiquette for airstrikes
• What not to bleed on when wounded

There is a tendency for the staff of casinos to be smartly dressed, be they dealers, pit bosses, hostesses or part of the entertainment staff. Should any of these employees suddenly be seen to don fatigues, a flak jacket and steel helmet it might be time to take the hint that perhaps you’re to be present at a casino airstrike. This is especially true if they pair this new outfit with cowering under the gaming tables, only communicating in loud bouts of prayer or rather urgently inviting you to join them in a tour of the casinos’ basement facilities.

2. Casino Airstrikes Leave Shrapnel In Your Drink

Probably too late to duck

One of the big giveaways that you’re in the presence of a casino airstrike is finding pieces of cluster munition casing in your drink. These are easily recognized as they look nothing like ice cubes, pieces of fruit or small paper umbrellas. Accepted etiquette is that larger pieces are removed with your fingers and discarded, but that any drink containing smaller fragments should be replaced by the casino staff just as soon as they’ve stopped screaming, bleeding, dying or running away. Your patience will be appreciated. Under no circumstances should you attempt to serve yourself at the bar.

3. Sudden Onset Of A Migraine

The Russian love of thermobaric weapons (those that increase yield by using oxygen at the point of detonation as part of their explosive reaction) means that very sudden changes in local atmospheric pressure could well signal there’s an ongoing casino airstrike at your location. Should you find yourself with an inexplicable migraine whilst gambling news coverage later may well explain it with footage of the casino being bombed, so be sure to watch a bulletin each evening. Members of staff should be able to provide you with Aspirin if required.

4. Vastly Increased Building Ventilation

The usually rather stuffy artificial atmosphere of casinos is famed the world over with conspiracy theorists constantly muttering about pheromones, so should you suddenly become aware of the presence of fresh air, look around and check the walls and ceiling are still in place. If some of the casino’s structure is inexplicably missing the chances are there’s been a casino airstrike by the Russians. It is important not to try and lighten the mood in such circumstances by asking if staff will move the craps table out through the hole into the sunshine.

5. The Wrong Dust Up Your Nose

Any casino airstrike will inevitably produce large quantities of dust that is easily differentiated from cocaine by completely failing to give you a buzz when snorted. You will likewise find it difficult to lure one of the dancers upstairs to your room with a bag of atomized cement even if you’ve a winning smile. A good rule of thumb is if those around you suddenly look as if they’re going to a zombie themed fancy dress party, check the program of events, and unless the Starlight Lounge is doing a “Dance of the Dead” extravaganza, you’ve been bombed.

6. Missing Limbs

We have all, at one time or another, misplaced important things. Our keys, our phone, our children, for instance, however the sudden absence of one or more of your limbs can be an indication not of issues with your short term memory but that the Russian gambling laws of international behavior cover their conduct, have carried out a casino airstrike. Ask staff to help you locate and pack any errant appendages in ice, in my experience this is met with a lot more cooperation if you’ve not bled on any of the tables, so be careful with that severed artery.

7. Being Dead

Should you find yourself inexplicably dead whilst in a casino and you haven’t either; a) just lost this year’s mortgage payments or b) hit the jackpot, the chances are you’ve been involved in a casino airstrike by the Russians. This should not be confused with having made enemies of the local mafia, which typically involves a slower dying process than having your component molecules suddenly ripped apart by the nearby detonation of an FAB-500TA and may involve car trunk transport of some variety as well as the digging of your own shallow grave.

EDIT – Since finishing this article it has been pointed out to me that in pursuit of an accurate balance I should also list all those ways in which you can tell the casino you’re gambling in is being bombed by the US Air Force. Unfortunately however due to the high technical accuracy of American smart munitions the list is by no means as long and indeed only comprises of one surefire indicator that the USAF is conducting casino airstrike operations in your area. Basically, if the Medicine Sans Frontiers hospital, Chinese embassy or baby-milk factory next door has suddenly been leveled by a laser-guided bomb, cruise missile or FFAR the chances are the Americans were shooting at you.
Under these circumstances it is vitally important that you keep calm and carry on gambling.