What Would You Do If You Won The Lottery?

It would appear that many lottery winners in the UK suffer from an almost terminal lack of imagination when it comes to spending their new found wealth

What would you do if you won the lottery? It is, you will have to agree, a question that perhaps billions of people have asked themselves over the years. Their imaginations momentarily swept away on lavish purchases and a complete lifestyle makeover…it is also one of those things editors like to get their writers to do articles on just before pay negotiations, reminding the scummy little word-hacks they’re lucky to have a job at all and if there’s one more word of complaint about the lack of heating in the office there’ll be no gruel for supper and Christmas will be canceled…again.

I’d probably considered it at some point before, perhaps whilst on an internet gambling site in the UK or in a lazy moment passing a ticket vendor perhaps, a moment of desire where the huge blank price tag of some whim could only be filled in by the massive quantities of cash one might win in a lottery and not earn in a lifetime. That plan to buy a navy-surplus aircraft carrier and park it in international waters as a pirate radio station and marijuana farm, the scheme to own a personal nuclear arsenal, or that whole campaign of mine to become Pope, all just required me to win that big lottery jackpot.

Of course there were moments when even my imagination began to stray into the sort of expenses that many small nation states would have issue affording, entering the sort of numbers that would only ever make the loan sharks at the IMF and World Bank smile. An actual lottery win, however large, wouldn’t really be able to pay for an entire country, an island perhaps, but my own currency? Nope. Likewise waging a war on the forces of greedy capitalist mediocrity would probably run to a few billion more than I could possible win, so if I really did win, I’d have to scale back my ambitions.

I speculate that I could probably put together a fairly nifty super-villain hideout on a decent win. Even including the cost of the shark tanks and pointless sliding aluminum walls I suspect I could knock up something on budget that Bond would recognize, all pink topped pool tables and revolving drinks cabinets, I might even throw in a few gormless security guards just to give the place ambiance. It would be a bit of a bugger to sell later on, but the surveyor’s visit would be awfully amusing and the estate agent’s advert a certain hoot.

A New Set Of Wheels

Oddly people who have actually won the lottery do tend to buy new property, to upgrade their accommodation, moving into grand houses that impress their friends, make them look flash and are the envy of the neighbors…but then completely fail to feel like home. A Bond villian base is all very well when the smoke bombs are going off and there’s ninjas absailing down the walls, but if you’re home alone watching telly with just the sharks for company, it might feel a bit huge and devoid. A little impersonal, no?

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• Lottery winners in UK unimaginative

Lottery winners who have upscaled to a mansion with home cinema, smoking and poker rooms in the UK, often find themselves moving back into more manageable and sensibly proportioned homes simply because they’re unable to grow accustomed to the vast size that seemed so luxurious on telly or in the movies, the grandiose proportions dwarfing them themselves, despite their ownership. Cavernous dwellings in which they’re unable to comfortably dwell tend to be swapped for something far less grand and garish but far more homely.

Of course beyond property there are the usual purchases to be made. I’ll need a new car for a start, and there’s many a lottery winner that has furnished themselves with whichever of the sports car manufacturers dream machines takes their fancy, Ferrari, Porches, which one was it you wanted when you were a kid? Win the lottery and you’re sure to get one…only to find that speed limits and road quality mean you won’t be able to use a quarter of its potential and the underside will eat itself alive, if no one steals it first.



There are less flamboyant cars naturally, but how silly are you going to look after three weeks of owning your low slung slick sports dream car if you then pull up outside your friend’s house in a sensible four door that has comfortable seats, air conditioning that actually works and suspension for people who own a spine? The answer is just as silly as most other lottery winners who pretty much all do the same, perhaps dragging out the drama mobile for the odd track day, but otherwise only driving it on special occasions.

Are You Here For Business Or Pleasure?

I suppose with all that cash I could go on holiday. Lottery winners tend to, jetting off on exotic trips to far away places where they selfie themselves silly and enjoy themselves profusely I feel sure, I suspect, were I to win, I might do the same, there’s a few places I’d like to see whilst accompanied by some expensive bodyguards, a tour guide that speaks without cliché and a caterer that understands the need for potato chips not to get sweaty in the heat.

I suppose like many lottery winners I could even buy a holiday home somewhere pleasant with a view of the ocean…Beirut perhaps.
Would I give up work if I won? Many do, and then regret it, they grow bored of not having anything to do, and worse still, not having to do anything. Some take up voluntary work to fill in the blank, but many return to work, some even starting their own businesses just to do so and be their own boss. Personally I would never dream of giving up work simply because I became very rich, after all, I’d be gambling news of my win would irritate some people and it might take me a fair few years to get full use and satisfaction out of grinding the win into my colleagues faces every day.

Naturally I would give some of my winnings away. Lots of lottery winners do this too, paying for the scouts to get their camping trip this year, helping with the church roof fund or just donating to local charities. They also treat their families where possible although I might not emulate the lady that paid for her sisters to get breast enlargements, my brothers might not see the humor once the anesthetic wore off, but mother might like a new hat or something I suppose, father one of those drones he’s seen on the news, Aunty David that operation he’s always wanted.

I do wonder sometimes if winning the lottery would make me happy. Despite all the evidence that it really is a tossed coin either way, with some past lottery winners blissful and satisfied and others broken or worse, a victim of their wealth not a beneficiary of it, I think that were I to win I’d be fine. Many winners attempt to carry on life as before, spending little, trying not to be different, but that’s not for me and as I sit back making faces at the sharks, listening to the gagged Jehovah’s witness hung from the ceiling twist upside down in the breeze from the air conditioning I’ll be fine, just fine.